by Giuseppe Chiaramonte
One word can change a life. One sentence or phrase can create a movement, ignite passion, remove the scales from the eyes of the blind, and most importantly set the prisoner free. One moment in time to look at the interior as opposed to the exterior. One free pause in a life designed to destroy my inner passions, desires, and dreams. One time to reconnect with a God who I know loves me and wants me to think clearly.
There has been so little “normal” in my frenzied world pressing in all four corners. Look north, east, south and west and I have found there is more because you must also look up and down. Forget or miss that life lesson and the wine press will squeeze until the air escapes from your lungs. My body has been in overdrive since I can remember searching for a release from whatever I am running from. I still can’t recall the moment that I feel it deep in my soul. It watches me with malevolent eyes waiting for me to call it by whatever name I assign. Sex, pain, embarrassment, sadness, stress, hopelessness, loss, suffering are a sampling of what this unknown entity embodies. A clear mind is its enemy and hope is its demise. There are no words to describe the moment I am in. Fear wraps each slimy tendril around my heart edging closer to rebuilding the walls that are systematically breaking down. Out of misery I find myself wandering in unknown territory like a man blind but can now momentarily see. The darkness has lifted so quickly through words, phrases pouring forth like molten lava they incinerate all that has gone before and make clean a conscience suffering from its own demise, suffering, influence, and evisceration. Physically I reflect hope and since I can remember I commit acts that are unspeakable and unacceptable to the society in which I live. What am I to do if my reality does not mirror my authentic self? I inflict pain with an unknown purpose maybe hoping that one day it will come to an end in whatever manner is easiest or convenient.
Unbelievably my day has arrived. Wings have sprouted from the decay compacted within my soul’s ashes. Like a fertile field I seem to have released shackles binding all parts of my body. I walked out of a prison set by my own mind, body, and spirit shaken to the core I look around for the first time like a newborn baby. The world is my platform I see pain from the outside not from the inside and where there was once numbness I feel a need to connect with any and all persons. I have (have, have, have, have — how many times must I say this word) been unable to hug people. Simple statement. When you think about it there is an inherent problem with the concept of not being able to touch another human being. Coupled with the fact, time has passed compounding the impact and disconnect associated with missing out on important relationships.
How many people suffer like I do? To what depth does the river run, how rocky are the shores or do the rocks turn to white sand welcoming all those to bask in the glorious sunshine.
I cannot believe there may be an awakening happening. Boundaries fall one by one, walls thought to be made of impenetrable steel are just dirt mounds moved easily by the One. I see you coming. Your light cannot ever be extinguished. You call my name to follow where I am called. Like one sitting on the sideline overwhelmed by the giants on the playing field you say rise up and face the challenge. Be who I want you to be not what you want to be. Forgive yourself because I have forgiven you. Do not dwell any longer on the past and speak my name. Have you considered the past possesses another’s name spoken and repeated over and over again until there is no peace and confusion sets in. Actions and urges intertwine and I am scared. Admitting that one aspect of my petty existence has been freeing and self-fulfilling. Look at me 42 years old and asking basic life questions. Long have I stood on the threshold of life looking in longingly at those enjoying the fruits of their labor, building relationships, and interacting with meaning.
I find myself transported back 20 years to South Africa. My mind wanders to the brink of existence fueled by the bonfire of faith, hope and love. I want to know man and woman for who they are not what they can give me. I seek great potential beyond the mortal restraints society says or portrays. I am who I am. Maybe it is time to embrace my folly, move on and speak truth into the world. Maybe part of the solution instead of the problem because for so long I have hurt myself and detonated the hand grenade to encompass all those around me. Consciously and unconsciously I have sought to systematically destroy everyone so that the person I was with, felt the same pain and pleasure I was feeling.
Maybe just maybe they also felt the same way and ultimately I could connect and it never happened. All I did was cut deeper, burn longer, and scar until there were no more areas to scar. Instead of healing I fought to stay sick and feel the dark point churning at the point I could not reach. No matter how many times I gave in to the pain, I could not reach the unending anguish filling my very being. I am not built to be something I am not. I am not designed to hurt and the hurt I have doled out has been undeserved, unwarranted and not part of who I am. The best way to describe my feelings is the light switch was flipped when I was on my back in that garage feeling the other mans spite, rage, mental illness, words. Electricity was redirected building until the force was so great that it blew the light bulb from its power surge. Now I cannot contain the current. It is flowing without restraint and I can feel the rising bubble.
Side Note: I wrote this around January of 2018 in the midst of dealing with hurting myself, hurting others and trying to find a beacon of light in the darkness. I was standing on a precipice making life altering decisions which led me to these words.