Smoldering Embers of 2020

On the eve of a smoldering year, it is difficult to put into context what has occurred over the past 365 days. Most of the time I try to keep to a rigid daily routine in an attempt to make sense of the cultural shift happening locally, nationally, and on a global scale. On the other hand, the daily “grind” has been fraught with information overload (news, news, news and more news), confusing government mandates, and a life upended by our new deadly virus. I can’t say it’s been all bad. I’ve been the recipient of “free” government stimulus money on two separate occasions. My teaching job is unbelievably rewarding despite the challenges of Distance Learning. I graduated with my Masters and quickly stepped back into education by being accepted into a Doctorate program-all within a calendar year. My family has grown closer together through forced communication and time spent together. I went on a backpacking trip to the Tahoe National Forest with friends whom I haven’t seen or talked with in over a decade. Golfing has taken a front seat in my life and led to amazing friendships. I’ve picked up drawing, coloring, expanded on my writing, read some amazing books, was introduced to the teaching of Alan Watts, C.G. Jung, and Ram Dass, observed the craziest presidential election in modern history, voted for the first time, became mesmerized by the social justice movement, worked on my credit score (that’s right-it went from 680 to 740), took my alto saxophone out of its dusty black case and began playing again, redesigned my garage and daughter’s bedroom, proudly witnessed my son graduate from high school, watched my youngest daughter walk through a tumultuous social upheaval and find the strength to stand strong amidst the high school drama, and I grew as a person. 

After reviewing this brief snapshot, I guess I have a lot to be grateful for. I could focus on the depression, anxiety, loneliness, and PTSD symptoms I battled on a daily basis, but that is part of my story like any other person. To be honest, I initially intended for this blog to be a metaphor about the “dying embers” of a shitty year. But was it really shitty? Maybe I was wrong and so are all the Meme’s on social media about the dumpster fire that represents 2020. For all that has occurred, society has held itself together and pushed forward; I think “adapted” would be the word that embodies what is happening right now. Maybe it’s the optics by which we view the world which needs to be adjusted. Our present situation is fraught with choices that are neither good nor bad; rather, these choices are more accessible to the masses. People are not able to sit back any longer and watch from the sidelines. We are forced to engage with all parts of our “Now” because if we choose to ignore even one small part of our humanity, then the choices will be made for us. With this in mind, every person has a unique story that is completely different from my story. If there is one thing I’ve learned this year, it’s this: If I don’t embrace change, it will embrace me. It goes back to a point I made earlier about the presidential election cycle. In the past, I have not felt any inclination to vote. Politics were never discussed in my house growing up and my parents claimed to be “strong” Republicans. Later in life, I learned I was not a Republican and I am not necessarily a Democrat which has left me in the middle with no clear choice during most elections. There has been no driving force or pressing need or government oversight that has negatively affected my life, and then like a wrecking ball destroying an entire neighborhood the Trump era came into my life. I felt compelled by a moral obligation to do something (anything) to affect change because I couldn’t stand on the sidelines any more. I finally came to the conclusion that it was no longer about political affiliation. The issues we were and are now facing are life or death for millions of people and I needed to be actively involved in some small way. 

I remember my three children asked me who I was voting for as we were watching the George Floyd chaos erupting on the streets of America. It was at this point that I had to face three conscious human beings and articulate what I believed to be a complete ethical breakdown of our government institution. I admitted to them that I had not voted in any prior election, but this year was going to be different. I had to consciously cast my vote against what I believed to be an inept man who was negatively influencing my children and possibly future generations. This self-realization is one instance of several that “awakened” me to my true self. In the deep recesses of my soul, I don’t want to go back to whatever I thought was normal. I have pivoted with the rest of humanity and embrace any change which leads to intentional action coupled with positive outcomes. It is with a heavy heart I leave behind 2020, but 2021 embodies hope for new beginnings and collective transformation. I’ll sign off by quoting Alan Watts’ simplified outlook on life, “The meaning of being alive is being alive.”