Finding Truth in Present Reality

I’m starting to have bad days. Mentally this is taking a toll on me. I know everyone else is dealing with this problem but I need a break from hearing about police cracking down on those persons not sheltering in place by issuing citations or even arrest, the mounting death toll, rising infection rate, and rumors that this may be continuing for an extended period of time (months or years). At home, we are trying our best to get along. Routine has been non-existent. I hear other people setting strict routines for themselves and children, but I don’t know how they accomplish this unrealistic expectation.

My son received a furlough letter from his job and he asked me to assist him with filing for unemployment. It was hard for me to deal with this subject because I have been in very difficult economic situations and never relied on the state or federal government to supplement my income. This is not to say he is right or wrong for applying; rather, I feel he is making a good decision so that he doesn’t have to work in the midst of this pandemic. I just dislike taking free handouts from the government because they always expect something for nothing. 

Anyway, I’ve reached out to my psychologist for help. I don’t share with my wife that all of the teaching applications I have submitted are on hold due to budgetary restraints and side hustle tutoring jobs are not happening. I’ve learned that for all of my blustering related to living my life day to day; I never really accomplished this idea or concept. What I had actually been doing was relying on every single safety net that I had placed underneath, around, and over me to protect from failure: college degrees (higher education), money in the bank, unlimited access to food, health insurance, job safety (contracts), freedom to move without constraints, possessions, and good health. Worry was mitigated by each of these fictitious representations. What now? Each one of these false hopes has been torn apart in less than four weeks. I sit in my house that I do not own and speculate rather than goal set. The future and past are augmented fabricated realities while the present experiences represent the only Truth.