Searching for the Naga within

After a rewarding week of crashing around Bangkok, I took some much needed rest on Friday afternoon and all day Saturday. I spent time writing, napping, meditating, eating my favorite Thai chocolate wafer cookies, and as a result; I found the creative juices flowing stronger than ever. I am a firm believer everyone needs to slow down and provide individually tailored self-care! If I hadn’t taken the time to personally reflect and find joy in the present moment then I wouldn’t be able to support other persons, exhibit love or empathy and I would allow Anxiety its opportunity to catch me at my weakest moments.

For real, I hate anxiety but on the flip side it is a great indicator to tell me the following: I am pushing the limits of my mental and physical well being, I need to step away from a situation or toxic person, say the magical word “NO”, shed some responsibilities, look at an emotion from a different perspective or change the dynamics of a relationship.

The S.U.I.C.I.D.E (Supported and Unified Inside a Compassionate Inclusive and Devoted Ecosystem) Project idea came to me during a meditation session along with the base elements of my love letter to everyone dealing with suicide’s inner turmoil. I quickly jumped on the opportunity to share my personal story with whomever might listen. After completing the initial first draft of the love letter, a wise person told me that I need to focus on the path out. I completely agree with this advice. To me, this meant I needed to answer several questions: 1. How did I heal? 2. What steps am I taking to continue the healing process? 3. Am I emotionally prepared for other persons judgements or reactions?

Many times, persons (me included) who have experienced a traumatic experience, emotional pain, or mental illness gravitate toward explaining the explicit nature of what they have gone through by expressing themselves by way of poetry, writing, art work, sculptures, long discussions trying to find words for the feelings and/or emotions or music. But what led us out of the darkness? How did we heal and can one or all of these ideas help someone else? The answer is complex in nature because what works for me now, probably wouldn’t have worked three years ago when I was heavily drinking, angry, and erected high walls to disconnect from the world.

With this in mind, I devoted my efforts on Sunday to walking around the local neighborhood and reengaging on an intimate level with whomever the universe brought me into contact with. What I found was a complex interconnected myriad of narrow streets running for miles in straight line intersecting grid patterns. Houses and apartment complexes were crammed together, people walked in and out of their residences talking and eating at the local street vendors carts, motorscooters/motorcycles transported individuals to and fro, and cars whisked by oblivious to pedestrians walking the street.

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Eventually, I found the local temples. (Wat Soi Samakkhi and Wat Khlong Nueng). In my opinion, they stood in stark contrast to those I had visited in Bangkok. These temples had large parking lots and communal gathering areas where it appeared people could gather to sell food or other items and celebrate large events. Additionally, I was unable to enter the worship areas because either the gates were locked or the doors were secured. Further, the monks looked at me from afar and seemed perfectly fine with watching me from their housing units. I didn’t feel unwelcome but I could tell they didn’t have many visitors walking around gawking at their unbelievably beautiful structures.

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No matter what attitudes I encountered in the local community, I explored everything with a reckless abandon and in the process, I overcame one more fear that I had been holding on to since arriving in Thailand. I think it’s safe to say all of the Buddhist images or pagan structures are condemned by Christianity. Thus, since I was a young child in Sunday school, I grew a deep-seated fear and judgmental attitude towards any images that may be deemed pagan by Christian standards. While in Thailand, I have intentionally confronted this fear and systematically shredded this dogma apart with its last vestiges hanging on Naga’s head at Wat Soi Samakkhi. And you know what I think, God is looking down on me and damn proud to call me his child.

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